A Very Belated First Entry

Or a vague introduction to Erin where she hopes to find kindred spirits

This is the first post from someone who intended to start a blog 12 years ago on the verge of moving to a new country.  That someone is me.  I never started that blog.  Or any others. I’ve thought about starting a lot of “stuff”, but I often begin the process, full of gusto and enthusiasm and then quickly find myself with a dozen instagram accounts with no posts or follow up. A domain name purchased but never utilized. Just lots of starts and stops with imposter syndrome always lurking in the shadows and a whole bunch of doubt into what I am and what I can actually accomplish.  This is my most recent, and earnest attempt. The first time I’ve actually written any content for any idea rather than just getting excited and ten stuck in the design process. 

I’m a mother of two.  I’m currently not getting along with my husband.  Not break up style not getting along.  But we’re both stressed out and not communicating clearly and being stubborn and have very little empathy for one another.  At times we’re described as a model couple by our friends.  We’re the couple with the kids that people want to be.  But no one knows the real truth.  Not saying we aren’t great, I think we are.  But there’s definitely shitty times, too.  Like right now.  There’s bouts of passive aggression and mumbles and resentment. It’s important to acknowledge those things so they don’t sneak up on you and ruin your relationship.  I believe they’re all totally normal aspects of a relationship and present themselves when it’s time to review and take steps towards growth and change. 

But I digress.  Back to me.  Mom of two.  Stay-at-home Mom of two.  I hate that term.  I’m currently looking for jobs and writing a resume and cover letters and feeling more insecure and irrelevant and older than I ever have in my entire life.  The latter is the only thing that’s factually true, the rest are just things I’m telling myself.  I told my husband I felt under appreciated and that his pushing me towards getting a job felt that he didn’t value the work I do as a mother and homemaker.  He agreed and said he felt under appreciated as well.  I get it.  I don’t really want to do nice things for him anymore.  And it’s been hard to “make a home” when we’re literally making the home during what seems like a renovation that will never end.  I don’t think I’ve ever had so much self doubt and “almost” regrets. I can’t actually allow myself to regret any of my decisions that got me here. If I allowed that then this whole world that I’ve constructed would collapse. I would have to acknowledge my mistakes and then what?

I knew finding work would suck.  I’m looking forward to it, though.  I am.  But writing a resume with a big chunk of time devoted to my family is rough.  It feels like it’s easily dismissed and while I sing the song of generations of women before me that motherhood is the hardest fucking job on the planet.  Not just the work, and the emotion, and the raising of humans.  But the lack of oversight and HR and reviews and bonuses.  It’s just me in this job that I personally didn’t have any training for.  I don't have a review board, and being the naturally hard-on-myself type, I constantly feel like I’m not the right person for this gig. 

Maybe you’ve felt that way, too?

I’m not quite sure what I’m doing here.  Is this a journal?  Does it need to be public?  Am I finally just getting things down so I can begin to pave a path and see where it takes me?  What do I even like anymore and where the hell did the last SEVEN years of my life go?  I got pregnant seven years ago, and life has been different ever since.  It’s like I've made some decisions but really just been driving with no map for a while.  So with the idea of creating a roadmap in mind, I’m starting this “blog?”.  I want to travel with my family, I want to work, I want to be creative.  I think I might also just be fed up and angry and feel stuck and undervalued by society as a whole. Not that i blame anyone, it’s up to me how I want to feel. I want to find my path and maybe you do, too and we can do it together?